"You know oysters are an aphrodisiac?" My Grandfather says as he breads another fistfull and leans over to plant a disgustingly tongue filled kiss on my Grandmother.
"Right, because aroused is exactly what I want to be when surrounded by my cousins." I replied.
My Grandmother sighed, "Speaking of, dear where's your date?"
"Grandma, for the third time, I didn't bring one."
"Then how did you get here?" My Grandmother's mind is stuck somewhere between the fall of radio programming and The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
"I drove."
"Oh, Brie."
"I'm going to go get another drink."
"How many have you had.?"
I hopped off the bar stool and made my way out of the kitchen and straight for the drink table. As I pour another glass of sangria, I hear my uncle offering his 17 year-old step-daughter a tequila shot, "If you can shoot this straight without a chaser and not lose your shit I'll give you twenty bucks."
HA! That guy doesn't have twenty bucks. I thought.
Below me I heard, "B.B!"
When I looked down it was my uncles youngest child, Aubrey, she's two. She is my protege, I put make up on her, give her all the chocolate she wants and make her listen to Ida Maria. I'll tell you right off the bat that there is nothing funnier than a toddler running around singing, "I Like You So Much Better When Your Naked!" NOTHING! Anyway, I picked her up and brought her into the kitchen with me. Another cousin of mine was introducing his new girlfriend to his mother (one of the oyster covered great aunts) and the rest of the elder council. I sat Aubrey on the counter and started putting my lipstick on her. My cousin and his girlfriend retreat and I overhear the elder council. "Should we tell him now?" "No, that's not right! Is it?"
"I don't know." "Maybe we should just let them be?"
I butt in, "What's going on?"
UNISON: "Nothin'"
My Grandmother walks up to me, "Don't put that on her, she'll look like a Jezebel!"
"Grandma, I'm wearing it. What's wrong with them."
"I don't think I should say anything."
" Fine don't tell me."
" Well, Curt just brought his girlfriend in."
"She's pretty."
" She's Jan's neice, from the bank."
"Okay?" I really didn't see the relevancy.
"Brie, Jan, Uncle Ron's daughter. Curt doesn't realize since he's been in Germany for so long. Their cousins."
My Aunt Marsha cuts in, "Third. I think."
I start gasping for air filled with intense painful laughter. "Well, you might want to tell him before he has any of the oysters!"
The elder's decided not to tell Curt until a later date. Because pre-marital sex does not exist in The Middle.
Aubrey followed me around like a shadow for the remainder of the evening. "Whatz za juice?"
She asked.
"It's for adults sweetie."
"I wan zum juice."
"Okay."
I mean, what could it hurt? It was just a sip and people do it when their teething right? I have her a couple sips and a piece of orange to suck on. How did I know that Grandma had the fruit to juice to booze ratio completely off?
Fast forward past an awkward dinner (where I am again defending myself as to why I didn't bring a date), little Aubrey is asleep, facedown on the floor having face planted into her cupcake. I sat in the gift exchange circle smirking and admiring my handy work as the elder's commented on how cute she was, "The Sleeping Angel".
The gift exchanges in The Middle are always predictable.
- 1-2 Power Washers
- 1-3 Gas Cards
- 3 Birdhouses (non negotiable)
- 1 Jack Daniels BBQ set
- An Ohio State Trow Blanket
- 1-6 Wooden Signs with biblical scripture engraved on it.
- 1-2 adjustable screwdriver sets
- 1 Cheesecake Factory gift card, that everyone trades because no one has been there.
- 2 Snow men candle holders.
After dinner everyone sits around, drinks coffee and reminisces about those who have passed in the past year. This year, the only fatal loss was Great Grandma who died at the ripe age of 98. I loved Great Grandma Thelma with all my heart, although she was a racist and homophobe and legitimately believed that Jesus has blue eyes and fair skin she was kind. Sometimes. I honestly didn't feel that much remorse, she was a widow who missed her husband dearly, I always had a great time with her even though I was her "half colored grand-baby" and loved hearing her ridiculous tales from times no one else could remember. Also, she was at an age where she could no longer stand up on her own, her knees didn't work and she was clinically overweight so I was always the one that was run two when she was stuck in a chair or on the john. I had to run and try to pull her up, often while wearing six in heels and a cocktail dress. I hated that job.
Although sheltered and insane, I must say that Christmas in The Middle is a very interesting place. It's like the Twilight Zone, everyone might as well be in black and white, and you doubt that you'll ever get out. It's not perfect, but it's what I have and it's kind of funny when I think about it.
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